A Big Week

Last week was  hard, exciting, relieving, and terrifying all at the same time.  All of that came when I turned in my dissertation on Wednesday, and then all but the exciting part came again when we buried John's ashes at his family's ranch.   I still am not able to describe my feelings about burying my husband.  All I can say is how hard it was to drive up there knowing what I was about to do.  Seeing family and friends definitely made it easier.   This whole experience these past four months has made me realize just how important friendships are.  I have had the same friends for a very long time.  I have also made new friends who are just amazing.  All of these people bring so much joy to my life and I never want to take advantage of that.

Last week I was pretty anxious about a lot of things.  One of the main ones being that I felt I couldn't adequately answer the question, "What now?"  I still can't really answer it,  but I was reminded today that God does know.   It is not that I want to move forward, but I have to move forward.  It is one of those things where I can choose to stay where I am, living in my parents house for longer with no job or income, and not trusting God to get me through this next part of my life.  Those are not good options to me.  Obviously grieving is still a process I am going through and will be going through for quite a while, but I will grieve while moving on.  I feel God is calling me to begin this next part of my life while holding out his hand telling me to trust him and go with him.   As a person who likes security, having an unknown future is quite terrifying.  Time has moved fast.  It is time to figure out what that unknown future is.  It is nice to know that I have a hand to hold all the way through it, and amazing friends and family who will be there for me if I need them.  

Finding the Joys

I have learned over this past month that when I have to tell people about John who haven't heard, I feel bad; not for myself, but for putting them in such an awkward conversation.  In fact, just the other day I was talking to an airline agent asking for a refund on John's ticket and after I told her why I needed it, she replied, "Oh no, that's terrible!"  to which I laughed and said, "yeah."  Who laughs, right?!  I'm pretty sure it is just a way to ease the tension as I try to end the awkardness for others.  It surprises me though each time I do it and makes me smile just thinking about the weirdness of it.

I can see how God has helped make this entire event as easy as possible for me and my family.  There are so many different ways John could have died and so many other factors that we would have had to consider when it happened.  Looking back at the events in my life that have led up to this point I can see how God has prepared me as well as my family for this event.  He has been extremely good to us.  Realizing this has made it easier to look at all of the good things going on in my life right now and there is a lot.  Granted I am counting even the little blessings like getting extra whipped cream on my  mocha coconut frappacinos, but who doesn't like extra whipped cream?!  So, if I laugh to get out of an awkward conversation, I'll take it!