Finding the Joys

I have learned over this past month that when I have to tell people about John who haven't heard, I feel bad; not for myself, but for putting them in such an awkward conversation.  In fact, just the other day I was talking to an airline agent asking for a refund on John's ticket and after I told her why I needed it, she replied, "Oh no, that's terrible!"  to which I laughed and said, "yeah."  Who laughs, right?!  I'm pretty sure it is just a way to ease the tension as I try to end the awkardness for others.  It surprises me though each time I do it and makes me smile just thinking about the weirdness of it.

I can see how God has helped make this entire event as easy as possible for me and my family.  There are so many different ways John could have died and so many other factors that we would have had to consider when it happened.  Looking back at the events in my life that have led up to this point I can see how God has prepared me as well as my family for this event.  He has been extremely good to us.  Realizing this has made it easier to look at all of the good things going on in my life right now and there is a lot.  Granted I am counting even the little blessings like getting extra whipped cream on my  mocha coconut frappacinos, but who doesn't like extra whipped cream?!  So, if I laugh to get out of an awkward conversation, I'll take it!

Results

I know many of you have been waiting quite anxiously to find out what happened to John, so I can finally relieve that and tell you that after  two and a half months of waiting and wondering, the death certificates have finally arrived and with them John's cause of death.  The death certificate reads that John's cause of death was  cardiac arrhythmia of unknown etiology.   This does not mean a heart attack like I originally thought it did, but it is still pretty surprising.

I have told a few people what I just shared with you and all of them have asked the question, "How are you doing?"  I answer this as truthfully as I can.  Knowing what happened to John does not change anything for me.  I do not feel better, I do not feel worse.  I expected the results to come back inconclusive and while this almost is, we at least know it was something with his heart.  Oddly enough I have no more peace of mind about it than I did before and  I didn't think I would.  John is in Heaven. For whatever reason, he was called to go now.   He is happy and having the time of his life.  I am so thankful and happy for him that he no longer has to deal with all the negative stuff that goes on in this world.  I truly am happy for him.  I can give the credit for this only to God who has given me such a peace and comfort throughout this whole ordeal.