Finding the Joys

I have learned over this past month that when I have to tell people about John who haven't heard, I feel bad; not for myself, but for putting them in such an awkward conversation.  In fact, just the other day I was talking to an airline agent asking for a refund on John's ticket and after I told her why I needed it, she replied, "Oh no, that's terrible!"  to which I laughed and said, "yeah."  Who laughs, right?!  I'm pretty sure it is just a way to ease the tension as I try to end the awkardness for others.  It surprises me though each time I do it and makes me smile just thinking about the weirdness of it.

I can see how God has helped make this entire event as easy as possible for me and my family.  There are so many different ways John could have died and so many other factors that we would have had to consider when it happened.  Looking back at the events in my life that have led up to this point I can see how God has prepared me as well as my family for this event.  He has been extremely good to us.  Realizing this has made it easier to look at all of the good things going on in my life right now and there is a lot.  Granted I am counting even the little blessings like getting extra whipped cream on my  mocha coconut frappacinos, but who doesn't like extra whipped cream?!  So, if I laugh to get out of an awkward conversation, I'll take it!

Results

I know many of you have been waiting quite anxiously to find out what happened to John, so I can finally relieve that and tell you that after  two and a half months of waiting and wondering, the death certificates have finally arrived and with them John's cause of death.  The death certificate reads that John's cause of death was  cardiac arrhythmia of unknown etiology.   This does not mean a heart attack like I originally thought it did, but it is still pretty surprising.

I have told a few people what I just shared with you and all of them have asked the question, "How are you doing?"  I answer this as truthfully as I can.  Knowing what happened to John does not change anything for me.  I do not feel better, I do not feel worse.  I expected the results to come back inconclusive and while this almost is, we at least know it was something with his heart.  Oddly enough I have no more peace of mind about it than I did before and  I didn't think I would.  John is in Heaven. For whatever reason, he was called to go now.   He is happy and having the time of his life.  I am so thankful and happy for him that he no longer has to deal with all the negative stuff that goes on in this world.  I truly am happy for him.  I can give the credit for this only to God who has given me such a peace and comfort throughout this whole ordeal.

At This Point...

I would like to thank everyone again for all of the thoughts and prayers that you are throwing  my way.  God has been absolutely amazing through all of this and your prayers are still very much needed.   Last week was surprisingly the hardest week I have had, and I am sure much of it has to do with the fact that this new part of my life has begun and I have to move on.  The good news is this week has started off a lot better!

I was reminded twice yesterday in two different ways that God is with us through the low points of our life and when He brings us out,  He has something great and wonderful planned for us.  I have heard that a lot these past 2 months, but for some reason yesterday  when I heard it I felt so much better.  So, my outlook this week is much more optimistic because while I can't see anything in my future beyond the next 2 months, I at least know I have a future and I am trusting God that it will be great!  

Until We Meet Again

I find it hard to discuss what I feel and what I am going through right now to a computer.  It is not that it is too sad or too hard to explain, it is just that I feel people enjoy seeing pictures much more than reading someone's perspective on something which is essentially what blogs are all about.  In the past I have chosen to post only when I have pictures and something interesting to write about.  After I leave Edinburgh on Tuesday, I am not sure how many pictures I will be posting or how many interesting things I will have to write about, but I will do my best to continue posting and to keep you all involved on what is going on in my life.

It is no big secret when I say that Edinburgh is the most wonderful place I have ever lived and I am going to miss it very much.  It is always hard to move, especially in this case.   I have been struggling this past week in convincing myself that moving away from Edinburgh does not mean moving away from John.  A metaphor popped into my head that made me feel so much better.  If I think of my life as a book, this is definitely the end of a chapter.  Even Part II you may say (I'm not really sure how many parts there are).  John was a leading character in this Part of my life.  Just because he may no longer be a leading character, it does not mean he is out of the book.  He will always be a very important part of my life.   However strange that metaphor is, it has really helped me in preparing for this move.

As for my future plans... I will be moving back to Roswell for a couple of months.  I will finish my dissertation, earn my Master's degree and then figure out what to do with the rest of my life.   I have cancelled my contract to teach in Abu Dhabi this year.  I have done this not because I am afraid of going alone, but  because it would just be too much right now.  That is the extent of knowledge I have to answer the question, "What are you going to do now?"

I have made some amazing friends here in Edinburgh and I am going to miss them a lot.   So, I have decided that instead of saying, "Goodbye" I will say, "Until we meet again!"  So, to my amazing friends here as well as Edinburgh itself...until we meet again!